The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
