You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
