apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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