I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
