Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
