Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
