Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
