I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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