Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
