do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
