I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
