I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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