I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
