At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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