Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
