i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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