Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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