i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
