When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
