My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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