He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
