Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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