that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
