i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm really into asian looking animals
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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