I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
