If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
