I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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