remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
