drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
