I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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