my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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