My hair reeks of homosexuality.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
