Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
