WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Operation Purity has been aborted
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
