I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
