we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
