I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
