I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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