Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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