My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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