Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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