ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
