Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
