Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
