so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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