One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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