I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
