don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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