apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
