She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
