I could have mohawked her pubes.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
