Just fell off a train. Bad.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
