Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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