I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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