So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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