Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
