You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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