Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
