it hurts more in the daytime
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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